Since last few days, i have been using tv.burrp.com to find out what’s running on different channels (Such a functionality should ideally should be provided by the aggregators like tata sky and airtel, but nevertheless burrp sort of fills the gap). It is a nice support tool to figure out what to watch in only one hour i have each day.

Today, i had a slight more free cycles. I searched for some decent piece of comedy running on world movies. I was recommended “Forever Young”, and review had a nice plot of cryogenics, freezing, 50 years in no particular order. Upon watching for 15 mins, the promised sci-fi was turning out to be heavily sedated with blues music. Curiously, i searched the title on IMDB, and in a sec found out the problem. There are more than one movies by this name. Burrp seems to be assuming that first hit is always right, but in this case it was the second one. World movies was playing this, and burrp was telling this. Blame Mel Gibson for this.

Moreover, World Movie’s official site has a burrp widget displaying the same error.

Fact no.1, India is playing Sri Lanka in tri-series cricket match today(25th august).

Fact no.2, The match starts in afternoon around 2:30PM IST.

Google news algorithm detected that there is a match today. It tried to get the score from cricinfo. Since the match has not started yet, it is listing score of sunday’s match. Result? following screenshot. Sounds like a bug.

Policy Bazaar has been selling insurance online since some time. Online sale of insurance products has been around in the developed landscapes from quite some time.

Policy Bazaar’s process is as simple as this - 

1. Go online to policybazaar.com
2. Select an insurance category
3. Fill in your details in a form including your phone number and email
4. View the options available
5. Buy, if you are able to make up your mind
6. If not, leave it there
7. Next day, start taking calls from all the insurance companies to which policy bazaar sold your number as it qualified as a lead. 
8. Tell first caller to call later as you are driving
9. Tell second caller to call later as you are driving
10. Tell third caller to call later as you are out in a meeting 
11. Tell fourth caller to hold. Take a look at time. If it has been less than 30 mins since the first call, scream
12. Else think of a new errad and tell that to fourth caller
13. In case policybazaar customer care calls to confirm whether you are interested in it or not, scold them

Essentially there are two monetization channels here. 

1. Sell a policy online and take home the commision
2. If a user does not buy a policy, forward his number to insurance companies and charge them for the lead.

Good thinking. Must be an MBA for such great strategies as it is maximizing the revenue potential by pushing the focus on conversion of unsuspecting lead. 

Summary – The experience is horrible. Wait till a decent offering does it online.

This video was doing rounds on facebook since iPad launch. Pretty accurate subtitle sync. The scene is from movie “Der Untergang“, popularly known as “The Downfall” in english. I saw this movie around 2 years back with english subtitles.

The hilarious parody clip is not a new effort to attract audience on an issue. The same clip has been previously subtitle-synced to cover the following on a lighter note.

1. Blu-Ray has won against HD-DVD.
2. Sarah Palin has resigned.
3. Chelsea lost a match.
4. Modern warfare 2 is too pricey.
5. An almost 20 other vids……..

Youtube is loaded with these clips. But the iPad one is the best of all.

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Two weeks back, sequoia made a bang with a slide deck. This was taken up all through a blogosphere, and there were a lot of wow!’s on the presentation skills, number crunching and the graphs. Clearly, the A* blogger got nothing out of it apart from some green zigzag lines. They started pitching in lines like “web2.0 is dead, i wish i would never have to mention it again” – Michael Arrington @ Techcrunch. Well 99% of enterprenuers did not make a sense out of this and were left gaping and pondering. Someone said that web is going to die. Other suggested that startups are not going to work. Another said that means we cannot get any money for doing nothing! A friendly news channel even suggested that world has come to an end.

Smart guys saw it coming, and did nto need green lines to get the current state of affairs. One of them has put  a slidedeck on slideshare which i am putting below. Take a look at it. You’ll understand that it was inevitable and those green lines signified greed and quick bucks for our neighbourhood VC firm who have been funding these startups with as outstanding business model as “i cannot make any money out of it, but we can sell it to google/microsoft as it will add up to the value and functionality of their offerings”, and upon asking why, they’ll say, didn’t they buy jaiku?

Google has been doing a great service to startup community by acquiring startups one after the other. Their philanthropic effort, although is good, but is leading to a new business model. And as early adopters, our VCs are making it sure that there are atleast 1 million different offerings in market, so that when google goes nightly shopping, it as a decent variety .

Enough said, i think this slide deck puts my point even better.

Related crap on web mostly through Michael Arrington

• Will this recession change web 2.0? – Part 1
• Rockstar Bloggers Couldn’t Save NewsAlloy
• Friday Flashbacks: where do Seesmic, Jaiku and Mozilla Mobile stand now?
• Failing Web 2.0 stars pray for copyright abolition

I spent the evening reading the essays by Prof. Douglas E. Comer. He was one of the forefront engineers to design TCP/IP, and was working quite closely with Vint Cerf. I had attended one of his talks in IIT Bombay, in which he put a focus on lessons learnt from designing the internet infrastructure, and the way it is being used these days. He has an excellent sense of humour. There were moments where the whole lecture theatre burst into laughter. I went to his site to see if he has any slides from that talk available, as i am working on a blog post about congestion on internet. But, what i found was far more good and humourous stuff. The following was one of the most hilarious pieces i have ever read. The original essay can be read here. It is a bit long, but i can bet you will not stop till you finish it.

How To Criticize Computer Scientists or Avoiding Ineffective Deprecation And Making Insults More Pointed

In recent exchanges, members of the faculty have tried in vain to attack other Computer Scientists and disparage their work. Quite frankly, I find the results embarrassing — instead of cutting the opponent down, many of the remarks have been laughably innocuous. Something must be done about it because any outsider who hears such blather will think less of our department: no group can hold the respect of others unless its members can deal a devastating verbal blow at will.

This short essay is an effort to help faculty make their remarks more pointed, and help avoid wimpy vindictives. It explains how to insult CS research, shows where to find the Achilles’ heel in any project, and illustrates how one can attack a researcher.

The Two Basic Types Of Research

Most lousy insults arise from a simple misimpression that all researchers agree on the overall aims of CS research. They do not. In particular, CS has inherited two, quite opposite approaches from roots in mathematics and engineering.

Researchers who follow the mathematical paradigm are called theorists, and include anyone working in an area that has the terms “analysis”, “evaluation”, “algorithms”, or “theory” in the title.

Researchers who follow the engineering paradigm are called experimentalists, and include most people working in areas that have the terms “experimental”, “systems”, “compiler”, “network”, or “database” in the title.

Complex Theory And Simple Systems

Knowing the tradition from which a researcher comes provides the basis for a well-aimed insult.

Theorists Favor Sophistication

Like mathematicians, theorists in Computer Science take the greatest pride in knowing and using the most sophisticated mathematics to solve problems. For example, theorists will light up when telling you that they have discovered how an obscure theorem from geometry can be used in the analysis of a computer algorithm. Theorists focus on mathematical analysis and the asymptotic behavior of computation; they take pride in the beauty of equations and don’t worry about constants. Although they usually imply that their results are relevant to real computers, they secretly dream about impressing mathematicians.

Experimentalists Favor Simplicity

Like engineers, systems researchers take pride in being able to invent the simplest system that offers a given level of functionality. For example, systems researchers will light up when telling you that they have constructed a system that is twice as fast, half as small, and more powerful than its predecessor. Experimentalists focus on the performance of real computer systems; they take pride in the beauty of their code and worry about constants. Although they usually imply that their results can extend beyond real computers, they secretly dream of filing patents that apply to extant hardware.

The Insult

Knowing that CS can be divided into two basic groups helps immensely when criticizing someone. There are two basic rules: identify the type of the researcher and issue an insult for that type. Avoid saying anything that inadvertently compliments them. If performed well, an insult will not only stun the researcher (who will be shocked to learn that not everyone agrees with his or her basic value system), but will also intimidate others in the audience.

Identifying A Type

Identifying the type of a researcher is usually easy and does not require a strong technical background or real thinking. It can be done using keyword matching according to the following lists.

Detecting Theory

You can tell someone is a theorist because they slip one or more of the following keywords and phrases into lectures and technical conversations: “theorem”, “lemma”, “proof”, “axiom”, “polynomial time”, “logarithmic”, “semantics”, “numerical”, “complexity”, “nondeterministic” or “nondeterminism”, and “for large enough N”. They write lots of equations, brag about knocking off the “extra log factor”, and often end their lecture with an uppercase “O” followed by a mathematical expression enclosed in parentheses. You can also recognize a theorist because they take forever to prove something that may seem quite obvious. (I once sat through an hour lecture where someone proved that after a computer executed an assignment statement that put the integer 1 into variable x, the value in x was 1.)

Detecting Systems

An experimentalist will slip one or more of the following keywords and phrases into lectures and technical conversations: “architecture,” “memory,” “cpu” (sometimes abbreviated“CISC” or “RISC”), “I/O” or “bus”, “network”, “interface”, “virtual”, “compile” or “compiler”, “OS” or “system”, “distributed”, “program” or “code”, and “binary”. They talk about building programs and running the resulting system on real computer systems. They refer to companies and products, and use acronyms liberally. Their lectures often end with a graph or chart of measured system performance. You can also recognize an experimentalist because they describe in excruciating detail how they set up an experiment to measure a certain value even if the measurement produced exactly the expected results. (I once sat through an hour lecture where someone carefully explained how they used three computer systems to measure network traffic, when their whole point was simply to show that the network was not the cause of the problem they were investigating.)

Forming An Insult

The key to a good insult lies in attacking whatever the researcher holds most dear and avoiding whatever the researcher does not care about. Thus, an insult lobbed at a theorist should focus on lack of sophisticated mathematics such as the following:

• Despite all the equations, it seems to me that your work didn’t require any real mathematical sophistication. Did I miss something? (This is an especially good ploy if you observe others struggling to understand the talk because they will not want to admit to that after you imply it was easy.)
• Isn’t this just a straightforward extension of an old result by Hartmanis? (Not even Hartmanis remembers all the theorems Hartmanis proved, but everyone else will assume you remember something they have forgotten.)
• Am I missing something here? Can you identify any deep mathematical content in this work? (Once again, audience members who found the talk difficult to understand will be unwilling to admit it.)

In contrast, an insult lobbed at an experimentalist should imply that the techniques were used in previous systems or that the work isn’t practical such as:

• Wasn’t all this done years ago at Xerox PARC? (No one remembers what was really done at PARC, but everyone else will assume you remember something they don’t.)
• Have you tested this on the chip Intel got running last week in their lab? (No one knows what chip Intel got running last week, but everyone will assume you do.)
• Am I missing something? Isn’t it obvious that there’s a bottleneck in the system that prevents scaling to arbitrary size? (This is safe because there’s a bottleneck in every system that prevents arbitrary scaling.)

How To Avoid Having An Insult Backfire On You

A misplaced insult can backfire, turning into an embarrassment for the attacker and a victory for the intended attackee. To avoid such occurrences, remember the following:

• Never attempt to attack theoretical work as not considering constants, as unrelated to real computer systems, or as requiring too much sophisticated mathematics. (The intended victim is likely to smile and thank you for the flattery.)
• Never attempt to attack a system as too small, too simple, or as lacking sophisticated mathematics (Again, the intended victim is likely to smile and thank you for the flattery.)
• Never attempt to attack systems work simply by saying that it’s so simple and obvious that you could have done it. (For years, people said that about UNIX and the TCP/IP protocols.) In fact, this is merely an extension of a ploy used by children on a playground: “Oh yeah? I could have done that if I wanted to.” Don’t try using it or someone will tell you to grow up.

Attacking Crossover Work

Although rare, a few researchers include both theoretical and experimental work in the same project. Insulting such combinations can be tricky because a researcher can escape unscathed by pointing to one part of their work or the other as the answer. You can try to attack both parts simultaneously:

• I note that the systems aspect of this project seems quite complex. Do you think the cause of the convoluted implementation can be attributed to the more-or-less “simplistic” mathematical analysis you used?

However, a clever insult can avoid talking about the work by suggesting sinister reasons for the paradigm shift:

• I notice that you did something unusual by combining both theory and experiment. Did you decide to try a second approach because you had insufficient results from the first?
• You seem to have a little theory and a little experimental work combined into one project. Isn’t it true that if you had a sufficiently strong contribution in one or the other you would have lectured about them separately?

A Final Plea

I certainly hope faculty will take this essay to heart and sharpen their insult skills. In the future please make all your thrusts count.

I do not keep a business/visiting card with me. In fact, i do not have one, nor did i ever needed one when i used to stay in mumbai. Few months back i shifted to New Delhi, and i started facing tough time for that. I still somehow managed to cross all the hurdles and settled down here without a visiting card. Today morning, i was greeted with a surprise, when we were buying groceries from the vendor downstairs. These vendors operate through a hand pulled cart. Many never go through schools, forget colleges.

This guy handed us a business card that too writeen in english all over. Take a look at the picture below

This wasn’t even a mom-pop store. This guy does home delivery of groceries. We were not allowed to carry groceries ourselves, he sent his help instead. I really appreciate the business acumen. This kind of service was beyond imagination in this part of country. I could not help laughing when i came upstairs! I think i too need to have a visiting card now

No! my rss feeds do not have 1 million subscribers by any number .

1 million is a magic number for consumer startups. Once you get a 1 million subscribers/users, others start taking you seriously and you become pseudo reputed. VC’s, investors, founders, all like to speak in terms of millions of users, millions of dollars, millions of servers (Ok! not millions of servers!). A million is a tenner of startup industry. You get a million dollars in funding at beginning, means the grey haired fellow with whom you had lunch last afternoon and convinced him that you have the next google killer in your laptop, is already dreaming hundreds in return of a tenner. You get a million users, and you know that your will be getting your evening beer for a 3 more years. You can get the first “grey hair” to get more “grey hairs”, he wishes to minimize his risk, and others wish not to miss a piece in the pie . Arguably, all you need is a million users and an impactful “grey hair”, with many more in his facebook, orkut, linkedin profiles (Which again survive on this lifecycle).

One fine day, you end up burning everything. No need to worry. Get a 6 pack of beers and a good old friend. Discuss a new idea like “building a social network of all who take viagra”. Call a couple of grey hairs you earned through your failed startup, one will agree to meet you. Convince him that this idea can change the world and solve the healthcare problem. If you have learned something  from your failed startup, you’ll surely get a million again, and you know what to do next . Even if this fails, this time get a bottle of grey goose, as it will lead to fancier, funny and ferocious ideas. Since you have two failed startups under your belt, you’ll  be famous as “the fighter” in the circles. This time do not forget to give a motivational speech in the beginning. This will lead to a good preface, and the mist you create in listener’s mind, will not allow them to digest the initial fart. Again a million dollars, get a million users, and same thing repeats.

What? Someone is saying, what if this one fails too? Dude, there are plenty of other jobs around as well. Try to mould yourself into a motivational speaker, a product strategy consultant, an angel investor (forgot to mention to open a bank account and save a couple of million each time). You’ll be a big impact here and there.Try to speak to Robert Scoble. He is god, and listens to all forms of communication (Twitter, Friendfeed, Qik, Facebook, MySpace, FastCompany, Kyte.. he is everywhere. Reminds me of Narad Muni in Indian Mythology). You can combine your rhetoric skills developed over time after replying to millions of emails, with some analytical skills you invented while talking to VC’s, with a couple of buzzwords like traction, valuation, viral,  and be the next Duncan Riley.

Last but not the least, if you think its time to retire, then go ahead and read a couple of biographies, and then prepare your own. It should sell some copies atleast. All people whose startup life is Zero, will definitely buy a copy to learn what mistakes not to be done in the industry.To Summarize, startup industry will never let you out of options. There is a big ecosystem out there. You just need to find what suits you best